


live.

by sanjitea



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, M/M, Suicide mention, post wci i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 09:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanjitea/pseuds/sanjitea
Summary: sanji is tired.





	live.

Sometimes, Sanji wished he was never born.

He never said it out loud. It’s not something he wanted to voice- not even at himself.

He wanted to keep the thought away, and always.

He didn’t want it to be true.

Sanji often think that he was better off dead. But the idea of death itself has always been so terrifying. Ever since his childhood, he has seen so many wars and destruction- the idea of death is not something foreign for him. Once you’re dead, there was no going back. And that very thought was terrifying.

If he could pick a choice- he would’ve wished to be never born. So that he never had to face the cruelty of this world, to taste the bitterness of it, and never to be a _burden_. The idea of being a burden was the worst of them all, and he hated it. As much as he hated himself- as much as he hated _Vinsmoke Sanji_.

The kid was nothing but a waste, a failure, a burden. He loathed him so much. And the child was _dead_ \- and so he decided a long time ago.

The idea of death was so terrifying. And maybe, he could fast forward into it by slowly killing himself every time, inhaling those toxinating air from so-called cancer sticks in between of his mouth.

Sometimes, Sanji wondered why he didn’t give up a long time ago, back when everything was simpler.

It would be much easier if he was gone in the early days of his life. His ‘father’ would never have to fake his death, his siblings would be happy, he would never burden anyone.

He would never burden his _father_ ; Zeff wouldn’t have lost his leg.

He would never have Zeff’s life on the line.

He would never trouble his nakamas or kicked his captain.

Sanji was tired, and he wanted it all to be over- but yet, he was not giving up. And he didn’t know why.

* * *

“You are an idiot.”

Sanji turned. He should have expected that. Not only Luffy, but almost everyone in the crew think of the same thing. But he didn’t expect Zoro to say anything out of his mouth, at all. Apparently, the man was not entering the galley just simply for alcohol. And judging by his serious tone, it doesn’t seem the man was up for some taunting.

The man has always been so stoic, so silent. He was never open up with anything to him. Zoro always had been talking with his actions. Not even the incident during Thriller Bark made the man speak up about Sanji’s self-sacrifice.

“You’re an idiot, yourself.” Sanji replied, couldn’t help to return the insult.

Zoro’s gaze was fixated. He replied after a brief. “You are the biggest idiot of them all.”

“So are you.” There was annoyance in Sanji’s voice. But it was obvious that the man was aware, more than anything- what the other man meant.

He just acted like he didn’t know.

“No, listen.” Zoro said again, this time straighten it out. “ _You. Are. An. **Idiot**._ ”

“You didn’t have to spell it out for me,” Sanji knew, and he didn’t really want to talk about it- or perhaps, he was avoiding it. A little voice in his heart knew he was hurting, he was tired, and he was sick. A little voice in Sanji’s heart told him, he wanted to talk about it, but he couldn’t- _he **refused** to_.

Zoro gritted his teeth, “I don’t know what your deal is- or what is in your head, but don’t you ever throw away your life as simple as that.” And he was annoyed, really annoyed.

“I wasn’t throwing away my life.” Sanji clarified. _I’m here_.

“You were giving yourself away,” Zoro corrected. “That’s stupid.”

“You would do the same.” Sanji managed to spat out, starting to get heated up him. Anger was written on his face- but it wasn’t directed at the other man. _It was mainly directed at himself_.

“I wouldn’t.”

Sanji had to bite back to refrain saying’ _You did_ ’, because that incident never happened- that had never happened. He had decided that, and Zoro wouldn’t like to mention that incident. “You put your life at stake numerous times.” Instead, he said.

“It’s different.”

“How so?”

“I didn’t plan to die in any of them.” Zoro replied, calmly. Letting the Cook to comprehend his words’ meanings- because fighting for your friends and dying for your friends are quite the similar idea, but they have different meaning.

“You were pretty much injured.”

“But I didn’t die.” _Or planned to_.

Losing his words, Sanji didn’t reply anything to the swordsman for that one- _he understood_. As much as it hurts, as hard at it was- it was never worth it. And suddenly, he was glad he decided to hang on.

Zoro chugged down the bottle at once, putting it down on the table once it was empty. “Looking forward for dinner.” That was all he said as he proceed to leave the room, leaving Sanji alone in the galley. His eyes stayed to stare at the closed door for a brief moment.

It was one unsaid word, but Sanji understood. And he smiled.

 _"Live"_.

**Author's Note:**

> shit things happen, but hang in there.


End file.
